June 18, 2008 @ 7:56 am    487 words in post       0 comment

ok i am going to stop writting in third person now.. i have been going through alot lately. i feel like my whole world is crashing in around me and i wish i could just put and gun to my head and end it all of tak ethis bottle of pills or cut my arms and let my bllod be my tears but i know that that is not God’s plan fo rmy life and i know that if i did kill myself it may cause someone else to do the same and i couldnt bare that to happen. I was having sex with my husband the other day and got a really bad flashback of when my grandpa would molest me and it was hard for me to continue to have sex but i did cuz i wanted to make my husband happy and then like usual my husband accedently hurt me very bad sexually and it was soo hard to keep going and pretend i was ok wile the tears formed in my eyes.  the next day my friend told me about something she went through when she was lil and it brought up alot of memeories that i didnt wanna deal with and i had her come over that night and it got both of our minds off it for a lil wile. but then yesterday a different friend of mine told me about her mom getting rapped and that brought up alot of memeories from when i was rapped and i just am not ready to deal with this stuff at least not alone. then my husband got home and i told him what happend and that it was causeing me alot of problems and it was like he didnt even care and he started asking me for sex and rubbing on me and stuff and was wanting a BJ and i was like so hurt that it was like he didnt even care about the way i was feeling so i figured why fight hima nd i just gave in and did what he wanted. i wish he would just understand that when i am having problems with sexual things haveing sex and stuff just makes it worse but i dotn think he ever will understand it. he says that he should not be punnished for what they did to me but i mean it is not like i am trying to punnish him and he punnishes me worse by having me do things to him that makes my life harder. I cannot sleep tonight cuz i woke up all panicy i think i was having a nightmare about my childhood cuz my head was swimming with all kinds of painful memmories and i just wanted to kill myself so it would all go away but i know i cant.  well i am going to go smoke then try to sleep. goodnight.

  May 8, 2008 @ 10:36 pm    1084 words in post       0 comment

When Angel was 17 and got back from Illinois after her girlfriend broke up with her and her aunt died she decided to be a homosexual and she confided in her friend about it and her friend betrayed her and told the paster, who was her father, about it. The pastor called Angel’s mom and this is her diary entry from that day and from the days that followed.
2/24/04

Well the shit hit the fan today. i told s…. that i am a lesbian on sunday, and she acted all ok with it and then told her dad the pastor. therefore, her dad called my mom today. my mom came into my room; i knew what she was going to say but i figured i would play dumb i asked her if pastor was going to do my brother’s wedding and then she said ” no he was calling about something u told s… and k…,” (i knew this was coming) “you told s…. and k… that u think,” (just think?!?!?) ” that ur a lesbian! now why would u do that! how could u do this again! i dont want to have to leave this church too! i wish my mom were here…. she would know just what to say to you. we wouldnt have all these problems if all them homosexuals would just stay in the closet. in my day we never would have even thought we were gay. you can have friends that are girls but that doesnt mean u have to lust after them. this is not right…this is not of god…i dont know if i should let u hang out with those girls anymore, i never know what u might tell them next! Your not going to collage here, then u will be gay. i guess i will have to keep you here for the rest of your life.” (can u say runaway?) well, more was said and all the time i never said anything i just had my face burried in my pillow soaking it with my tears. then she told me that i had to fix this. that i should tell them that i was just upset with my aunt just passing away and that i am really not gay. she wouldnt let me get ready for church until i had wrote these stupid letters to them stating that what she told me to write. she told me that i had to promise to convince them or i wouldnt be able to go which i told her i didnt want to go anyway and then she made me.

at church i saw s…. first thing. i told her i needed to talk to her and she asked about what, i started to cry and said, “what the hell did u tell ur dad?” she played dumb and asked what happend. i was trying not to cry so i barely said anything and handed her the note. i was so mad at her that i wanted to hit her but at the same time i was just so sad cuz she dissapointed and betrayed me. next i talked to k…. this time not crying. i told her what happend. later at the alter call they both came off the little stage and asked me if they could pray for me. i let them, even tho i was embarassed, but i know they were doing it cuz they care. i prayed too. i didnt do it from my heart, so my prayer was not heard but i think their’s were maybe, i do feel different, i dont feel love for a woman anymore, but i also dont feel love for a man. in fact i dont feel anything. i know this is not what they prayed for but i guess that my anger and saddness has surpassed my ability to feel. i am so confused.

2/27/04

today has been good to me. i have managed to stay in my room, (away from my mom) all day, with a few shorts breaks for eating and useing the bathroom. which i have been doing since tuesday. fourtunutly, my mom has been pretending like tuesday never happend. tuesday was like a nightmare, since waking up it is like it never happend, and u try to forget how horrid it was, but you still remember everything. i cant sleep at night because of that horrid day… i just keep replaying it over and over in my head. not even my new sleeping/stress releaving perscription has helped. i started on my stronger perscription of anti-depressent today, hopefully it will kick in soon because my cat attacked me today, i was cut in several places and bleeding, but it didnt hurt me in fact it felt good, just like it used to. i can barley keep myself from just hacking my arms to bits. it is soo hard, i have went through so much this year already. i cant handle what has happend already, i dont know what i would do if something else were to happen. ~i am dead to this world, dead to my family and dead to me, but in my mind i am free.~

2/28/04

i get more and more depressed every day. i was thinking today about how close i am getting to k… and it is scaring me. i always try not to get close to ppl beacause they either betray my friendship and trust or leave me or have to leave. if i never get close to anyone then it dont hurt as bad when things happen. just like with my parents. i stay away from them so that it will not hurt as bad when they die. everyone dies, and then there is nothing. nothing is such a useful word. it decribes me so perfectly. i am nothing, i feel nothing, i am nothing, i will amount to nothing, and someday i will diasapear and be forgotten. if i stay here in my room, in my world, i disapear, i am no longer here but i am nowhere else. i just lie here numb, unable to move or feel anything, my mind races but i cannot form a thought, memmories that i try to forget, of my rape, sexual abuse, and other things, flash in my mind but then are gone. ” i am not crazy, i’m just unwell….” *sings to myself*

  March 4, 2008 @ 2:04 pm    706 words in post       0 comment

 3/03/08

“why do u dress like that? Are u trying to embarrass me? Why are u sitting with that girl? she is weird! Sit up and stop slouching and show some more cleavage and flirt with these guys a little u don’t want to be single forever do you?” said Angel’s mother angrily to her in front of all the surrounding people. Every one around her was staring at her, Angel was humiliated. She was the little sister of the best basketball player in the school, Steve and his girlfriend, Shannon was a cheerleader. No one understood how such a freak of a girl could come from such a notable family. She looked into Jennifer’s eyes and could see she knew how she felt and there was such love in them eyes that she forgot everyone and everything else.

Angel awoke her heart pounding. Tears flowing from her eyes as looks next to her and sees her husband sleeping. “ he must have came in wile I was asleep” she thought to herself. She slowly gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom she and splashes cold water on her face so that if her husband got up her would not know that she had been crying.

3/04/08

“Another day gone” Angel says to herself she sits down on her bed and rests her head in her hands. She begins to think and be consumed by her thoughts.

“When u love someone and then loose that love to someone else is it possible to ever love someone that much again?” She pondered. She thought about Jennifer and flashes of memories flooded her mind. She thought about all the nights they spent together and how one night they laid out in the cornfield in from of her house and looked at the stars and cuddled and kissed lovingly. That was one of the best memories that she has. In fact it seems as though every good memory was with Jennifer. Four years they were together… then another memories flashes in her mind tears well up in her eyes as she remembers the day jennifer broke up with her for good. She was 17 and in her old state for a little wile and her aunt lay in the other room slowly dieing of cancer. She was talking to Jennifer on the phone and Angel was jealous of Jennifer’s new boy toy and Angel was being really mean about it and was so mean that it made jennifer cry and Angel never made her cry before and that still haunts her today, four years later. Jennifer choose her new guy over Angel which was usual of her but this time was different, she choose only him. Jennifer and Angel had always had a understanding they each would date guys so that no one would find out that they were a couple but they always were still girlfriends. Jennifer was a straight virgin before she met Angel but Angel quickly taught her the ways of pleasure. But Jennifer wanted to experience guys too and since Angel lived in a different state now she decided to leave Angel for good this time. This killed angel and her aunt died shortly after that and Angel returned her home state.

  February 21, 2008 @ 8:57 pm    2176 words in post       0 comment

2/20/08

Angel sits calmly on the easy chair relaxing wile her husband plays a video game with his cousin and brother. She sits and thinks wile the video game noise pounds into her head. She thinks of the day so many years ago, the day her eyes were opened and she finally saw the truth behind everything.

She was 11 years old she had just moved to a middle eastern country and she lived on a compound that was guarded and very safe, so she thought. She had spend the night at a friend of hers house and had borrowed a shirt and her friend had borrowed one of hers. She was going to go to her friends house to return it and to get her shirt back. She stopped by the recreation center to see if any of her friends were there and she saw some of her friends at the couch that they tended to hangout on. She sat the bag with the shirt in it down and talked for a wile then she left and about 5 minutes later she realized that she had left the bag next to the couch and went back to get it. It wasn’t there. So she looked around a bit thinking that maybe one of the Third Country Nationalists had moved it. There were many TCN’s there they worked as security guards, gardeners, cleaners, cooks and any menial tasks that needed to be done. Angel felt kind of sorry for them since they were practically slaves. They did so much work and got paid very little. She looked around for about an hour then decided to go to the security desk to see if anyone had found it and took it there. One of the heads of security was there and he offered to help her find it. They looked around together for a wile then he talked to another security guard and he told her that he thinks someone found it and took it to the managers house so they went there together to get it. Angel had never been to the managers house before and it was about a 5 min walk to get there it was at the front of the compound near the front gate, not many people lived around that area. They walked past the large wall that was around the mansion. Angel told the man that she had never been there before so he decided to show her around. They walked into one of the gardens where there were many types of grass planted. Angel was amazed at all the different kinds of grass. The security guard walked close behind Angel as they looked around at the other gardens and the pool. He was constantly complementing her and then when they were near the door he told her that he liked her ass and reached and grabbed it. Angel didn’t know what to think she was used to people touching her but not a total stranger like this. So she just smiled and said thank you and moved away from him. They got to the door of the mansion and he looked around for a min then said the bag wasn’t there the door way was surrounded almost surrounded except the door and the door sized opening to the place in front of the door. Angel started to get nervous as he walked towards her she was leaning up against one of the walls near the door. He put him hands on her and she didn’t know what to do. He slid his hands up her shirt and started unbuttoning her shorts. “please stop I don’t want to do this” she told him but he didn’t stop and Angel started to get very scared. She was so scared that she froze unable to do or say anything. He slid down her shorts and underwear and begin to slide his fingers along her clit and started fingering her. She closed her eyes not knowing what to do. She found her voice and she said “STOP, please stop, stop” then he said “shut up or people will hear you.” and then he kissed her his think mustache prickling her face she could taste the cigar and horrid taste of his mouth. He pressed himself tightly against her and she was unable to move or scream. Then she felt something that scared her down to her very soul. He replaced his fingers with his cock and was larger than any cock she had ever felt he forced it into her dry little pussy. The pain of it making her eyes water she wanted so bad to scream and run away but he had her tightly pinned and she was so scared she knew she couldn’t over power him or do anything to stop him. She felt him cum inside her which was the first time anyone ever had. Then he unpinned her and let her pull up her pants he told her not to tell anyone and that he would give her 500 of the currency of the country to not tell anyone and she agreed no wanting anyone to know what had happened anyway. She walked to her friends house which was not too far away and told her that she lost her shirt but that she would find it. And she told her friend basically what had happened. But she made her friend promise not to tell anyone. She promised and then Angel walked the 10 minutes or so back to her house, it took her longer because she had to walk slowly because she hurt so bad and she didn’t want people to notice that she was walking oddly. When she got home she went straight to her room and took off her shorts and underwear that were soaked with the man’s cum. She put her clothes with other clothes that she needed to wash and she took them down stairs and put them in the washer then she went up stairs and went into her bathroom and took a long hot bubble bath. Her parents came home and asked Angel if she has gotten her shirt back from her friend because it was a Tommy girl shirt and very expensive and they were mad at her for letting her friend borrow it. Angel told her parents that she hadn’t yet and they said she had better get it back the next day. Angel said she would and they ate supper then she went to bed.

The next day her search for her friends clothes continued. She checked around the couch again and all over the recreation center and she couldn’t find it. She wasn’t going to dare to go near the security office scared of the man she had seen the night before. Then a man walked up to her. He was a cleaner and well liked by all the teens everyone knew him by name even Angel even though she has only been there a few weeks. He told her that he has found the clothes that she was looking for and that he put them in the theater for safe keeping. Angel was so relieved to hear this she followed him to the theater and he unlocked the door and they walked through the darkness into the back behind the stage. He told her so sit down on one of the chairs wile he went to go get the bag. She did and he came back with the bag. He handed her the bag and she went to stand up but he stopped her and ran his hands down her body. She got really scared and froze just like the night before. She was unable to do anything as he unbuttoned and slid down her shorts. He licked up and down her clit and began to finger her. Her pussy still throbbing with pain from the night before. She found her voice and said, “stop, please stop” as tears filled her eyes. He stopped and walked away. She pulled up her shorts and left quickly. As she was walking out of the recreation center she saw the security guard from the night before she tried to avoid him but he pulled he to side and asked if she had told anyone she looked down unable to look at him and she told him that she hadn’t told anyone. He said good and handed her 200 of the currency there and told her to make sure she didn’t tell anyone. She went to the dinner because she didn’t want to take that much money home and ordered a bunch of food and invited her friends to eat with her and paid for their food as well. She used up all the money then went to her friends house and returned the clothes that she had borrowed and got her clothes back. She didn’t tell her friend anything this time and then she walked home, took a shower, listened to music and laid in bed all the rest of the day. When her parents came home she told them she had already eaten and that she was tired and she went to bed early.

The following weeks were very hard for her. She avoided the recreation center so she wouldn’t have to see the either of the men. Her friend had also told her other friends about what had happened and some of them had told their parents. One of her friend’s dad told Angel that if she didn’t tell her parents what has happened then he would. So Angel knew what she had to do. Both her parents were home that day so she took her mother aside into one of the sittting rooms and told her what had happened and to not tell her father. Her mother said that what happened was much to big a deal to not tell him so her mother called her father into the room and made Angel tell him what happened. He was furious and didn’t say anything and left the house and slammed the door. Angel was scared she didn’t know her father well he was always gone at work or just too busy for the family when he was home. So she didn’t know what her father was going to do. When her father came back he had the manager and another man that Angel didn’t know with him. Angel was so scared she felt like she was going to vomit. The manager walked up to Angel and had her sit in the sitting room then he had her parents go into the living room and told Angel to tell him exactly what happened. So she did and the other man wrote it all down. Then the manager held up pictures of the two heads of security and asked her which one it was and Angel quickly reginised the man that rapped her. She pointed him out.

The next day the manager came over and told Angel’s parents that one of the men was dening that anything ever happened and asked her parents if they thought Angel would have made it up or done it willingly. They said no and then the manager asked Angel if she would be willing to go to the police and tell them what happened to her. He said that he wouldn’t confess to rapping her and that if she said yes then they would have something to threaten him with. She said yes even though she hoped that it wouldn’t come to it. The man admitted to it and they both were sent back to their home countries. Angel’s mother took her to the doctor the next day and she got her first vaginal check the doctor barley looked at her said that she had never been touched and that she was a virgin. After that all of Angel’s friends were mad at her because the one man was the favorite of the teens and they didn’t want him to leave. Everyone knew what happened but no one believed Angel and when Angel’s brother was asked if she was rapped or a whore he said he didn’t know so everyone called Angel a whore after that. Angel avoided most people and after a wile everything passed over and it was old news. Shortly thereafter she got new friends that got her to start smoking and drinking and even got her first real girlfriend. She saw a psychologist ever so often and took karate classes to learn to protect her self so that it would never happen again.

Angel closed her eyes and tried to put it all out of her mind. She went outside and smoked a cigarette. Then came back in and sat down and decided to watch her husband play the video game and forget about everything.

  February 18, 2008 @ 11:18 am    811 words in post       0 comment

Angel sits in her living room after watching a movie about a psychotic man. She sits and ponders about many things. She starts to loose her grip on reality and begins to shake so she goes and washes her face perhaps a little too hard and then goes and smokes a cigarette. She twiddles her fingers them being anxious for something to do so she decides to type her fingers still twitching as she types but loving the every movement that keeps them busy as she tries so hard to hide her slowly deteriorating mental state and trying to ward off her oncoming panic attack. So many things flash through her head and she wonders if everyone she knows is who they say they are and if all her friends that are girls are really guys that will one day tell her so like the last three have. She also heard from C… today and she wonders if everything she remembers is even true and if she just imagined everything in her life since she is unable to remember things properly. She is scared to ask though what he might remember because she doesn’t know if she can handle more memories. What if something else had happen that she doesn’t remember and if it would cause her to have another mental break down like when she was 13 and she doesn’t want to go back to the mental heath facility no they cannot do that to her. “I am not crazy. I am not crazy.” she tells herself over and over trying hard not to regress into insanity. Her fingers type furiously as she tries not to think about any of it. She has relived so many memories she doesn’t know if she can handle more. Her eyes close as she is consumed by her madness her hands shaking beyond her control. She looked around her surrounding in a haze. She was remembering random things from when she was 9 and 10.

She also remembered the time when she was much younger and her youngest uncle gave her a quarter to touch his cock and she did it and all the times he would have sex with her wile he was babysitting her or when he was picking her up before he would take her wherever her parents were. Which reminded her of when c.. and others used to come over and stay with them and how he would sneak in her room at night and they would have sex.

All those memories brought up several more memories of her brother fingering her wile she jacked him off wile watching Baywatch. And of when she found his hustler’s magazine and saw the girls kissing and doing many things to each other and made her wonder what it would be like. She was 10 at the time and she got her friend that was 8 but much bigger and more mature than her to do lesbian things with her because they were both curious about it. They did everything that Angel saw in the magazine and Angel loved it all but her friend didn’t and Angel wanted more and tried to force her friend into doing more with her but gave up and they both fell asleep. Their friendship stayed the same after that until she moved away and they never did anything like it together ever again.

Angel sat in her living room her shaking had stopped and she returned to her normal state of mind and she remembered her next memory after that and it was so painful a memory that she decided to put it out of her mind and listen to music and go to bed.